It’s okay, the white noise and fuzzy black and grey screen (that always reminded me of this specific halter neck jumper my Mum used to wear) has temporarily been suspended. I am here.
My presence through my blog, instagram and facebook has been pretty sombre and non existent since I returned to Beijing, and I’m sorry. I knew that when I touched down in Beijing, almost a month and a half ago now, that things would change drastically. I suppose I wasn’t quite prepared for what actually went down.
I won’t dive into it here because it’s a long ass story that takes me about 8 minutes to explain in person (I told and retold it many-a-time through WeChat voice notes/Facebook messenger recording).
However, it’s been hectic as fuck and to tell you the truth… right now in this moment, I’ve no idea where my head is at. I find myself flittering in and out of consciousness as conversations happen around me, and sometimes even with me. It feels like my mind is so uninterested in what is going on around me that I can’t concentrate on 1 or 2 things for an extended period of time. It’s made me question my intellectual being, and whether I’m clever enough to even be having stimulating conversations with people. I’ve been unaware of the increase in “screen watching” I’ve been doing whilst alone and in other peoples company.
This feeling is definitely the sad consequence of mourning the time I had at home, the people I saw and the happiness I felt at certain times ALONGSIDE the mess of quitting my job, moving and finding my feet again.
I guess it feels like my brain is not connected to any relevant signal and this grey fuzzy channel is just stuck there.
It’s been way over a month since my birthday and I haven’t even breathed a word of what a spectacle it was.
Firstly, it was the same week I’d decided to really give this shared bike thing a chance even though I’m terrible at riding a bike, and well I could’ve been 22 for a grand total of 8 hours before killing myself. I was cycling along with my hands clenched tight to the handles when a tuk tuk skims the side of me and beeping vigorously – a tuk tuk is a small trailer/bike type vehicle that’s used as a taxi. I gear off to the right in fear and thump right into the metal white fences that line the road. That was near death experience 1.
Near death experience 2 was whilst I was pretty tipsy: It was post-birthday dinner, I had consumed 4 gin & tonics and 4 tequila shots within the space of 3 hours so I was well on my journey to the final TRAGIC destination I ended up in. Myself and the group of friends I invited to celebrate with me were in no mood to walk to the club and well, what better way to commute to a club than by a shared bike when you’re pissed (and terrible and riding). Riding through the city centre passing blinding headlights and drowning in the twinkles of surrounding buildings is exhilarating, especially when there are 5 other pissed up women following your lead. It was all going so well until I had to ride through a tight gap between a fence and a parked car, I slowed down and my balance shifted and I fully slammed into the back of the car. Whoops lol.
Near death experience 3, which for the record I have NO recollection of at all: According to the girls no one could find my for a long time and people got a little worried… Well, as per I had peaked and was found outside of the bar trying to unlock yet ANOTHER bloody shared bike after the luck I’d had with them that day. The 3 wonderful ladies who found me opted to walk me home, which as you guys know from previous posts is not too far. That was that. Or so i thought. I woke up the next morning with bruises and scrapes all over my legs some of which were covering my whole knee, I was a little shocked but not overly surprised. I had drank a lot of alcohol. I began asking those who celebrated with me what had happened which lead me to discover that during my walk home I had fallen in an open drain/man-hole thing and damaged myself. lol.
Happy 22nd Birthday to me, why don’t you celebrate with 22 bloody bruises?
Anyway, I’m just gunna throw another apology out there for being really naff with this blog updated thing. I’m just in a weird, over-thinking, restless place at the moment. HOWEVER, Spencer and I go to Vietnam on Sunday and I will have lots to tell you, I promise.