(I began writing this post on the 14th)
There are no words strong or heartfelt enough to describe this bitter feeling of loss blended perfectly with sheer pride. I am so very heartbroken that we did not make it to the World Cup final, that stomach churning feeling that occurred when Croatia scored to make it 2-1 is something I hope I never feel again. The loss this time around is different, I believe that the anger we were set out to feel from the beginning melted away. The England boys did the best they have done in years, they played fairly with their hearts in every kick of the ball and we as a country should be damn fucking proud.
However, that pride did not molly-coddle the next day at work where I sat and planned lessons listening to Oasis through my headphones.
After the game fans were quick to disperse the bar, necking their pints and ducking out the door. Maybe out of upset or perhaps it was because the game ended at 5am for us here in China and almost everyone needed to be at work the following morning. There were a small group of us who remained fixated in our places with pure disappointment written across our faces. One of which was a Geordie lad who consoled us all with a wise speech along the lines of “there is no reason to cry or be sad about this game, Croatia played better, yes, but we have come so far in this World Cup. Why the fuck are you all going home? Let’s have another drink in celebration” – now reread that with your best Geordie accent and it’ll really cheer you up just like it did me. He was super cool and we actually got chatting during half time about my tattoos and what they mean. Just as I began to deeply explain my 011 tattoo he goes “now, how much do you want me to pretend I care out of 10 because the second half is just about to start?” I was seriously belly laughing as he cracked out sarcasm, puns and jokes left right and centre. Everything is always 100% funnier when a Geordie says it. That’s probably why Les (a family friend from home who wears diabolical shirts) is hilarious. The more we chatted the higher the level of flirtation got, but not the trashy kind. Then he revealed a perfect verbal version of a PEE paragraph. His point being that he’s an honest person, his lengthy evidence was very trustworthy and his explanation for all of this was “you’re the most gorgeous girl in the bar tonight.”
Respectively, I pointed out that I was 1 of 4 other women in the bar at the moment, but the compliment felt the same.
My brain often contradicts itself a hell of a lot. You know people say they have another little version of themselves inside their head, well I think I have 2. I know what you’re imagining, a little me dressed as an angel on my right and another little me dressed as a devil on my left but that’s not the case. Sometimes the voices have reasonable solutions and advice for different situation or sometimes one is plain fucking dumb.
I guess over these past few weeks my mind has been fighting over where I place myself with romance, relationships and guys. One part of me thinks that I crave to be with someone because I crave acceptance, affection and adoration from someone who provides me with stability. Another part of me enjoys the little flurries of excitement when guys flirt with me, as well as knowing I can take them home fuck them and never see them again. The final part of me feels like I’m probably better off single, sad and writing this blog.
I met with Spencer last night, like last time we left it too long since seeing each other again. She’s a fucking fab human and I need her to bless me with her hilarious laugh each week.
We both brought a mental scroll about 3ft long to dinner ready to offload anger, excitement and disgust on one another over frozen margaritas, of course. There’s a government holiday in October and Spencer hit me up like “bitch, we should get out of China!” and I haven’t exactly been well travelled since leaving the UK so why the fuck not. Thus, 70% of Spencer’s 3ft mental scroll was dedicated to her “not-so-detailed” hella fucking detailed itinerary for our trip to Vietnam in October. Being able to say that I’ve landed in a South East Asian country will drive my inner basic white travel bitch wild. Spencer and I are also going to see Bastille (which are fucking amazing live, I saw them at a small festival back at home when they were first gaining fame) and then Sam Smith.
I’ve felt pretty lonely in the female social side of my life here in China, mainly due to my stupid work week and the fact I was occupied with a boyfriend for a little while. However, just 3 hours with Spencer bitching, ranting and then planning super cool things for us to do and I feel restored.
Elise, a wonderful woman who was a couple years above me at University, works as an English Drama teacher in Guangzhou, the south of China. She’s been experiencing almost exactly the same things with her school, mentality, living and social situations as I have and it sucks to know that we can’t just meet up for a coffee and talk it out. Having a rock solid support system is really important here, and I’m lucky that the expat community here is amazing but apparently it’s not as thriving down where Elise is.
Elise gets a couple of days off next week so she’s coming to Beijing and I’ve opted to be her city tour guide – I’m going to take her to the Forbidden City area, hit that and then Jingshan park and probably Tiananmen Square. I thought perhaps I’d take her to eat some Chinese food, but then I remembered she also lives in China… which means we’re scooting our booties to the Cheesecake Factory and stuffing our fucking faces with Western goodness and then cheesecake.
Having Elise here in Beijing will be like my home away from home, that was also away from home. Plymouth isn’t home, but it sure has a huge place in my heart.
Friday was a pretty awesome day – we took the Friday crazy kids to the Planetarium and ran around looking at planets, stars and the universe. We created little space passports for them full of vocabulary words that they could check off when they spotted it. Their faces were filled with curiosity and excitement. The glow of the moon reflected in their eyes was adorable, and being able to witness this was heartwarming.
In the afternoon we headed upstairs to the movie theatres where we would watch one film in a 360 dome, and the second in a 4D theatre. The 4D film was about the extinction of dinosaurs – to my right I had Eric and to my left left was Sissi, they’re both 6 and love things all dinosaurs and exciting, so they were in absolute awe of the film, the spraying water and air. However, sat on my knee was 4 year old Kevin and tucked under my left arm was 4 year old BeiBei who were hella terrified and kept letting out little squeals of horror… it was fucking hilarious I couldn’t stop laughing. I felt awful because Kevin kept saying “wo bu kan” which is basically I don’t want to look, and then “I’m scary, I’m scary, I don’t like.” Obviously I cuddled him tighter but I had to bite my tongue from bursting into full on hysterics!
I love these kids, I really really do.
See you soon,