I feel all over the place. There are so many little unicycles of problems, thoughts, happenings that are making stupid circles round the edge of my mind and I don’t know how to stop them. Unicycles are fucking annoying.
It’s only 28 days until I start to make my 20 hour journey back to little ol’ Ilfracombe. The weeks have been dwindling down really really quick, it felt like yesterday I messaged Dad saying “10 weeks today!” I think this is a bad sign though. This means that the seconds, minutes and hours that I have with the people I love the most will consume me like quicksand. I need it though, mainly because I’ve just had the weirdest several first months here and I just need to hug it out with my best friend. Teaching children is like running a marathon. Teaching children who only understand 40% of what you say is like running a marathon, except you’re not running you’re being dragged by one leg and along the way is tough mudder obstacles. Oh, and you also have weights attached to your head. Not to forget that you have children with autism, ADHD and social anxieties in your classes too but China doesn’t understand any of that so their behaviour gets ignored. Along the way I’ve felt like I’ve lost myself… lost the ability to practice mindfulness, curiosity and interest to the point where I’m just not enjoying much anymore. So I need home. I need several days to just be with not only my family and friends, but myself too… and cheese.
Shortly after we returned from Seoul Tian and I broke up. I feel like we’re better off as friends, mainly because my head is a mess. Loving someone, caring for someone and making someone else happy is incredibly difficult when you can barely find the time to do that for yourself. I felt tired and miserable to the point where silence was my main topic of conversation. He felt devastated but he understood why I felt like time apart would be better. We’re still in contact, mainly because he’s a really cool person to hang out with. I just think we’re better off as friends. The pressure to share your time with someone day in and day out when you’re running on borrowed energy is hard. Perhaps I rushed into the decision to be with him and didn’t really think things through. My head is somewhere else and I don’t know how to cope with it.
It’s different. No one knows what to do with themselves, it’s a feeling none of us have felt before. We’re fixing our eyes on a huge screen, holding our hands to our mouths, lips whispering “come on, come on”. We erupt with strong roars, throwing our hands in the air and jumping until our feet hurt. The crowd can’t go longer than 2 minutes without bursting into one of our several songs. I don’t know how we do it but we can create a football chant our of fucking anything. My personal favourite “You’re shit, but you’re drugs are lit!”
Tomorrow night is the semi-final, I am well and truly shitting myself. There’s been a deep sickly feeling in my stomach since we left the group stages.
p.s see you soon Ilfracombe humans xoxo