After having a shit clubbing experience the first time I was a little apprehensive as we walked up the steps to Sirteen unsure what to expect from this new club. I was conversing through WeChat with a rep from the club to get him to put us on his list. Apparently being a foreigner entitled us to a free drinks vouchers all night (yep, it actually says that on the vouchers). Now my mind lies in many different places with this 1. Why are foreigners getting free alcohol? 2. GREAT FREE ALCOHOL! 3. Omg I’m gunna get so drunk 4. Meh, this alcohol isn’t strong 5. fuck I’m drunk 6. Why are they giving foreigners free alcohol?
From what I could hear before we fully entered the club I expected there to be a floor packed with people jumping, dancing and having a sick time. Yes, the place was huge but it was about 80/20 seating and booths. People fill the booths everywhere, cigarettes in one hand, mobile phone playing games in the other – on the table in front of them is a 3 tiered platters with chicken and fruit. No one is really dancing and if they are it’s embarrassingly out of time, at one point I snorted with laughter. There is a bar in the centre of the club littered with foreign expats banging on the surface demanding one of their free drinks like privileged assholes. That’s what I find wrong about free drinks is that if gives already white privileged men the incentive to be a bigger cunt.
Opposite the expat bar there’s an LED catwalk-like stage leads to a thin area in front of a high rise DJ desk. Either side of the desk stands two grand cases where raunchy men in the buff butler outfits and steamy women in figure hugging leotards waltz down and dance for everyone. No one really dances up on the stage until you get permission which is dead weird. 3 drinks down confetti is raining down on you, Chinese teens squished on the catwalk trying not to fall off and you’re unsure if you need 3 more drinks or bed.
The following week I went back to the club with Amelia and her group of friends. She invited me to celebrate Shin’s birthday alongside her, a couple other guys and Shin’s “just made public” girlfriend Cathy. I met the group in a bar called QS in the Lama Temple Hutong – there are speakers on the tables so you’re able to play your own music and to order beers you just take it out the fridge and show them at the bar. Beers weren’t really a celebratory option for Shin apparently, Shin likes tequila. Jodie. Does. Not. However, Jodie could learn to like tequila when in converts into 57p a shot. It hit midnight and we’d winding and grinded our bootys to Havana (Mark doing it the best by far, that’s his fucking song bitch – although Iori was a strong fucking contender, he just did not stop). That night was literally insane, Amelia’s friends are sooo my kind of people and (if they read this I’m going to sound like such a 12 year old) I hope I can get mortal with them even when Amelia goes home. You know when I mentioned that foreigners can be cunts, yeah that happened. Now don’t quote me on this, I was so fucking drunk BUT Amelia and I were chatting to these two guys as we were leaving and the lads were grabbing all our coats. I don’t know when and I don’t know how but it went south, we said “we’re leaving so bye” and they begged us to stayed and we repeated ourselves a few times until the had held of our wrists and wouldn’t let go. I kept saying “we’re leaving” “let go of me” getting progressively louder and more confused as to why no one around us was helping or stepping in. In the end I think I ended up calling out for Mark and Shin to help us because we were being dragged back into the club, I felt like one of those stroppy children you see attached to their mother, leaning at a 45 degree angle and screaming. Eventually Mark and Shin realised what was going on and came over to help us, IT WAS ONLY THEN that people surrounding us got involved.
No, The Great Wall of China doesn’t span across the whole of the country like it suggests in the title. That’s why I thought it was so great but no it just circles Beijing. We went to Badaling – the touristy bit and boy did you know it. As your calves are screeching because the incline of the wall over the hills is crazy, you’re also trying to battle through hoards of people without losing footing. You can only imagine the chaos when you’re trying to get down. The view of surrounding mountains lined with an amazing man-made wonder was just incredible. It stretches as far as the eye can see and further. Badaling and the neighbouring segments have been restored thus not as authentic but it’s still cool. It was a fucking stunning day too, with an opportunity to take off my coat and put on my shades.
The food in China can really fuck up your body regardless of whether you’re a native which is why defecating in public is so common. I’ve had my fair share of bloated and blocked tummies in England, I’m notorious for lying on the floor to reduce the size and excusing myself when I’ve trumped. Food here is cooked all kinds of random shitty oils and the spicy stuff must have something weird in. I think the longest I’ve gone without pooping is maybe 10 days? I’m unsure, but it’s been more than a week. I’ve been drinking Chinese medical tea and it really helps, although not without this painful bubbling sensation in my tummy which can only be compared to Aunt Marge’s balloon trauma in Harry Potter.
The other way is chundering violently at 10pm and then again at 3am. I felt terrible as if I was going to pass out – my stomach felt weird and at first I passed it as a hangover but 10pm??? I hate chundering too so I’ve learnt to hold a hangover vom down. This was something else. I don’t even want to think about it because it makes me shiver.
I found out today that I should buy imported milk because some Chinese milk in the past has made kids go blind… yet all I want is a bowl of Frosties with cold fucking milk.