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17.1.18

Mood: Excited, nervous and curious.

I knew it’d be fine Jodie. You’re a bloody worrier, you always have been. You spend hours upon hours worrying, overthinking and trying to find solutions to things that always work themselves out. Any of my friends can vouch for me and say that I’m a worrier, Liv and Hannah especially. Can you believe I’ve been friends with them for 10 years this year?? (and Anna and Sophie was 10 years last year!) It makes my stomach go funny just thinking about where these years have gone. I still love them so much, they’ve come so far already. Maybe I should save the emotional post about how much I miss my friends for another time.

So yeah, I have a job and there is nothing to worry about at all. I start tomorrow – I have training from 9am and then a class in the afternoon. It’s a training school, which means it’s sort of extra curricular classes for children (that probably cost a fucking bomb) and I start around 1/2pm during the week and teach for 40 minutes at a time. Then on the weekends it’s all day from 8am (lol fucking kill me now). I get Monday’s off and usually another day but it varies. I’m currently sat in Starbucks with my “Teaching English as a Foreign Language for Dummies” Book, colourful pens and freshly bought notebooks to try and seem as if I know what the fuck I am doing, but I really don’t. The kids are from 3-6, I’ve got no experience teaching that age PAHAHA wish me luck *she says mentally in a high pitched sarcastic Jodie voice with her mental thumbs up*

Toilets here are different which probably shouldn’t have came as a surprise to me but I just can’t get used to it. Toilets in the household are like normal sit down toilets, but public/restaurant toilets are holes in the floor. Now, I have NEVER ever been good at squatting and peeing (again my friends can vouch for this). We had many field parties “back in the day” where we would chug bottles of Caribbean Twist, wear wellies with knee high socks and denim shorts and scream the words to “We Are Young” by F.U.N is the pissing rain. Girls would desperately try not to break the seal by dancing with their legs crossed because once it’s broken you gotta piss all the time. For a guy it’s easy, you whip ya dick out and piss in a bush and straight back to necking on your 7th tinny or that girl you never thought you found attractive until that night. BUT FOR THOSE BLESSED WITH MAGICAL VAGINAS it’s a whole other fucking mission… first and foremost you have to find another girl to go and pee in a bush with you, secondly (if you’re like me and hate drip drying) you ask 20 girls if they have tissue and they almost always say no… why did none of us ever learn to bring toilet roll??? Thirdly you have to find a good spot, out of sight from the party, and boys, which is a good 10 minutes walk away whilst smashed and through cow shit and bogs. Then you do the deed – you have to spread your feet shoulder width apart (or wider) bend low, lean a bit forward and pee. OH and pull your bottoms far enough away. EVERY WOMAN WHO SAYS THEY NEVER PEED ON THEIR FOOT IS A LIAR, DON’T TRUST THEM. I used to go back to the party with urine covered welly boots and little bits of splash back covering the backs of my thighs every time. I don’t know how biology constructed my vagina but it’s all wrong, my urethra (the pee hole) is definitely at some fucked at angle because it’s like I pee forwards. I STILL can’t pee in a squat position, I just don’t know how to do it. Maybe it’s because I’m a fucking giant with paddles for feet as well as have a retarded vagina. The toilets are bowl shaped so when I pee DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME little splashes of urine bless the tiled flooring in front and then I have to shimmy my size 8 feet out the way. It’s all very awkward.

Today as I was squatting I thought to myself, “I wonder if any old women with dodgy knees and a bad back have ever gotten stuck in one of these? How do they cope getting back up? Should there not be at least one sitting toilet for the old women?”

Also, I now have an extended fear of shitting in public.

I would apologise for the discussion about the abject and bodily functions, but my First Class Honours degree in Theatre & Performance liberated me too much as a woman so I won’t.

JMW x

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